3 Bedrooms, 1 Kid, 1 Cat, No Jobs: A Tragicomedy in Several Acts

Act I:

Scene i: Seattle, a couple of weeks ago. Elswhere is indulging her newfound obsession with Craigslist Vancouver, searching for 3-bedroom apartments.

Elswhere: 2 bedrooms; no pets; no pets; way too expensive; scary neighborhood; way the hell out of town; 2 bedrooms; way too expensive; way the hell out of town; 1 bedroom; another no pets and it’s way too pricey anyway…Oh, lookee! Here’s one in our Preferred Suburban School Catchment Area Not Far from the City! It’s a whole house!! And it’s in our budget! And it doesn’t say no pets! Let’s go see it!

Renaissance Woman: Okay! You call!

E: No, you call!

RW: No, you!

*ring, ring*

E: Hi, can we come see your house?

Young Guy on Phone: Sure! How about 6:00 next Monday?

Scene ii: The house, a sweet little place just outside of Vancouver, only two blocks from our Preferred School.

6:15ish the following Monday.

Young Guy: Actually this place belongs to my parents; they live down the street. I just show it around.

E & RW: Oh, that’s nice. Did we mention we own a house too? We have equity! And savings! We can pay!

Young guy: Sorry, what jobs did you say you had?

E & RW: Right, well, none yet. But! Equity! Pay! And, here, we have references! Also we’re very responsible and promise not to smoke crack in the yard!

Young Guy (to mommy-daddy-baby family coming in behind us): Hey there! Can I show you all over the house? Here, let’s go down the street to meet my parents… (to us) oh, right, bye! You know where the door is, right?

Mermaid Girl (to the mommy): I like your baby! He's really cute!

[exeunt Booland family]

Scene iii: At the park, ten minutes later.

RW: Well, he was a jerk. And I didn’t like the feel of that house.

E: Yeah, me too. It would’ve been totally wrong for us.

RW: Totally wrong. I'm glad we didn't get it.

[elswhere & RW cry]

To be continued…