Thursday, October 19, 2006

I swore I'd never blog my dreams, but this one's a doozy

I was in the library, waiting for lunch recess to be over, when I looked down and realized I was wearing my nightgown. But I couldn't leave, because I was supervising lunch recess!

I snuck out anyway, and went out to the parking lot to find my car and see if there were some clothes in there. But my car was missing from the parking lot! It had been stolen! And the keys I had, they weren't really my keys!

Somehow, I found my car, and I found some things to wear, though they weren't very conventional and they showed my hairy legs. I went back to the library and...there were people having s&x! N4ked, t4ntric s&x all over the school library! I glared at them with a steely glare and pointed at the door and yelled "Out! Out! Out!" I had a class due to arrive any minute. "Out! Out!" They wilted (literally) under the force of my glare and slowly began to shuffle out the door. There were dozens and dozens of them, all in a line, shooting me nasty looks. I spotted an orange peel with some yucky orange stuff stuck to it, ground into the rug. I glared my steely glare and pointed my pointing finger at it. "Out!" I yelled, and it slowly unstuck itself from the rug and drifted out the door.

Then the kids came in. They were rowdy and unruly and rude, making comments about my clothes, and I couldn't get them to behave. Because of the clothes thing, I hadn't even really had time to prepare a lesson. Also, someone seemed to have rearranged the library while I was in the parking lot. But a charismatic young guy waltzed in, and without a by-your-leave, started telling amazing stories. The kids all quieted down and gathered around him and listened. Wow, he was really good! They would follow him anywhere! (except for one kid, who was rude to him and made fun of his name; her, I grabbed by the wrist and dragged out of the room, hissing angrily about how I would send her to the office until she apologized, and thinking all the time that she would probably complain to her parents about how mean I was and how I'd hurt her wrist and I'd get in trouble.)

I caught up with the storytelling young man, who had kept the kids enthralled way beyond their regular class time, so that I'd missed my break and it was now almost time for the next class to come in; I had the impression that he was the son of an elderly administrator (nonexistent in real life) who had mentioned that someone might be showing up to volunteer. "Wow, you were great!" I said, overcoming my slight pang of jealousy that the kids liked him better than me. "I'd love for you to come back sometime. What would you need?"

"Well, money," he said. "In fact, you can pay me now. I'll take a check, or..."

"Uh, no," I said. "You just showed up here. That's not how it works. If you want me to pay you, you need to talk with me ahead of time, we need to make arrangements...I'm not going to pay you for this class."

He became quite bitter. "No," he said, "That's not how it works. That's how it works for you."

"Look," I said, all defensive. "If I pay you now, that money comes out of my pocket. It's taking money out of my kid's mouth!" He laughed dirisively. "Well, okay, she'll eat," I conceded. "Out of her college fund, then."

He snickered again. "I didn't even go to college," he said. I still had the sneaking feeling that he was Nonexistent Administrator's son, but it didn't seem to jibe with his air of righteous poverty.

"We won't be able to pay our Visa bill," I trailed off weakly, then pulled myself together. "I'm just not going to pay you."

He stomped out, muttering angrily about my unfair exploitatative self-serving petty bourgeoisness.

I sank down at my desk, which also appeared to have been moved. Finally, I was alone.

Then I looked up: it was that kid, the rude one who I'd sent out earlier, standing next to my desk. An office person, who wasn't there, said, maybe over the loudspeaker, "She said she'd talk only to you."

She didn't speak, just held out a piece of paper for me. Actually, it was a page of large labels, the kind we put in books that are donated in honor of people's birthdays.

On one of the labels she had written, in pencil, in careful cursive, "I know."

She knew she'd been rude? She knew how I felt? She knew...everything?

I never got to find out; instead, I found out I'd slept through my alarm.


Anonymous rachel said...

See, I had a hilarious dream about masturbation recently, and just don't feel like I should blog it... but it's so funny!

4:21 PM  
Blogger elswhere said...

Yeah, honestly, I didn't think about the sex so much when I first wrote this up this morning--I was half still in the dream and it seemed obvious to me that it was just *one more thing* in a whole series of frustrations and obstacles that made this the uber-work-anxiety dream. It was the orange peel drifting up when I pointed that pushed it over the edge and made me think that this Must Be Blogged.

Besides, how scandalous could it be that dream-me would disapprove of multiple people having sex in the library just before a class arrives? That does seem pretty non-controversial--I don't think it says anything embarrassing about my subconscious, or anything.

But now I'm kind of embarrassed that I posted it; it doesn't seem as cohesive or meaningful or even funny as it did twelve hours ago. Would-be bloggers of dreams, take heed!

7:23 PM  
Blogger Pamelamama said...

Crazy work stress dream!

10:22 PM  
Anonymous rachel said...

Dude! I didn't mean that as criticism! I honestly wish I had the balls to post my funny, funny dream. Damn it was funny. Phanton Scribbler was there, giving sex tips (paintings of steamboats will make you horny! And it worked, too!). My brother-in-law was there, complaining that he's always getting blamed for spots on the couch, and for the computer keyboard not working! My mother was there, saying, "Now is masturbation the one where you..." -- and getting it completely wrong. He he he he heeee!

Okay, sorry.

3:47 PM  
Blogger elswhere said...

Oh, Rachel, no, I didn't think you did! I just saw your comment right after rereading this post and my dream all of a sudden seemed both embarrassing AND incoherent.

YOUR dream, on the other hand, does sound hysterical. Steamships! Who knew? That Phantom, she has all kinds of tricks up her sleeve.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Larki said...

Oh, will you come to my house and yell, "Out!" at all the orange peels and things stuck to my carpet, and make them drift magically out the door? And while you're at it, make the sullen children go too. Some days it feels like the house is full of sullen kids, when in reality it's only two boys. I need a magical "out!"er.

This totally cheered me up. Thanks for posting it.

PS This is Bihari. Changed my handle.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Ho.Ly. Shmokes!

9:37 PM  

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