Wish I could quit ya

I am still on hiaitus, honest. But I found myself hijacking the Oscar comments thread at my cousin's site, and ended up writing this into a Word document, and if I wait till April to post it no one will know what I'm talking about.

So, herewith, with little further ado...

Booland Oscar Coverage 2006!

Well. It was an unusually, um, adult bunch of Oscar nominees this year, don’t you think? I was not unmindful of that little “PG-14” flashing in the corner after each commercial break. But the Oscars have been a once-a-year TV treat for the last few years now, and we said we’d let her watch, so we let her watch.

The dresses were somewhat disappointing. But it sure was educational. For us, mostly. Here are a few life lessons MG learned while watching the Oscars this year:

1. Agents are important. If you ever win an Oscar, be sure to thank your agent.
2. There’s no second place. You either win or you don’t.
3. Sometimes a man feels like he should have been born a woman, or vice versa.
4. Well, sometimes they can change. It takes a lot of surgery. It doesn’t happen that often, but it happens sometimes.
5. A man who has become a woman could have a child already and not know it. Because the mom didn’t tell him she was going to have a baby.
6. Yes, that’s the movie Mama and I saw. About the two boys who are sweeties and they have to keep it secret because it was dangerous back then. The one with the dark hair is the one who dies at the end [note: she had winkled this spoiler out of us previously, but wanted to know which one died].
7. How does he die? Shh! I’ll tell you during the commercials.
8. Not now, I want to watch this commercial, it’s a good one.
9. They’re not really going to hit people on the head with instruments if their speeches are too long. That’s a joke.
10. That’s Lily Tomlin. She’s very funny. And that’s Meryl Streep, she’s a really good actress.
11. No, they’re not married. They’re just good friends.
12. Peyote buttons are a drug.
13. What’s a drug? I’ll tell you during the commercials.
14. Film Noir is…a certain kind of really good old movies. Mostly in black and white. Often they’re very violent. You don’t have to look at this if something bothers you.
    
15. Okay, you can uncover your eyes now; the kissing’s over.
16. March of the Penguins won! Yay! Yay! Don’t you want to hear what the director is saying? He’s talking about kids like you, who saw the movie!…Don’t you want…oh, never mind. Yes, yes, those stuffed penguins are very cute.
17. He plays this writer, who…um…well, these two guys kill someone, and they’re in jail, and he pretends to be their friend but really he just wants to write about them and make money. He did a really good job acting, pretending to be that writer. That’s why he won.
18. Something sad that happens in the movie? Well, his best friend, the writer’s best friend, writes a book, and the book gets made into a movie, and he goes to the opening of the movie, and he’s so upset at himself because he’s pretending to be friends with those guys in jail that he just drinks a lot of alcohol and doesn’t even tell her if he liked the movie. He wasn't being a good friend. That’s pretty sad.
19. Something else sad? Do you really…okay, fine. Um, well, the guys in jail are going to get killed because they killed someone, and they think that writer is their friend, and they keep writing to him and asking him to come visit him, and he won’t visit or even write back, not until just before they’re about to get killed. It’s really, really sad.
20. Those cars aren’t really burning. It’s just a performance.
21. That’s not really a commercial for a sound designer. It’s a joke.
22. I guess you could say she is fat…I think she’s gorgeous, though. Do you have to be skinny to be beautiful?…Just checking.
23. It’s about, um, this guy who’s having a really hard time…doing his job. He’s saying it’s hard out there for him.
24. Ooh, we really liked her! She played…you know that CD we were listening to before? She was playing the wife of the guy who was singing the songs. And she was singing with him on some of the songs, too. Well, not her, but the character she plays. Who was a real person. But it wasn’t her. But on the CD, that was the real wife of that real guy. But this is the actress who…oh, never mind.
25. I don’t know why she has a spoon in her name. It’s just her name.
26. No, I don't think that woman really has a husband and a wife. I think she's just excited she won.

And the “Be Kind To Your Parents” award for Best Oscar Watcher Under Six Years Old goes to:

MG, for putting on her pajamas while watching, and for not asking what a pimp is!

Okay. Back to Wiggles videos and “Meet Me in Saint Louis” till next March. Thank God.